Every day is so exhausting.
I’ve always been one of those annoying New Year’s resolution skeptics who says “why put it off until the first of the year if you can start today”.
Yes, I’m sorry, I know how every time someone says that to you, you have to fight back the urge to shake your finger in their face and tell them to buzz off.
As my apology, I’ve made a few “resolutions” this year.
- Blog more. As referred to in “A Blog a Day Keeps the Doctor Away” if you want more of an explanation.
- Drink more water. This is literally my goal every year. At least once a year I feel as if my entire body is going to shrivel up and I’ll just become a giant prune. So, water.
- Work LESS. I almost wrote “Work Smarter”, but no, I actually just want to do less work. My work is my life. LITERALLY MY LIFE, HOW SAD IS THAT. I need more tacos, sand, mountains, and off brand vodka in my life.
- Snuggle my cat more. If that is even possible.
Simple, but attainable.
I will never get the things I want unless I ask. I will never get the things I want unless I ask.
I don’t understand why that concept is so hard for me, and many other women, to understand.
Let’s use a friend of mine’s relationship as an example. This situation could also fit a relationship or two of mine in the past. Friend was dating a guy who was somewhat emotional stunted. He was 31 and acted like he was 21 and had never dated before in his life. She wanted more from their relationship: more time, more affection, etc. One day, she lost it from all the frustration of wanting more, and lost her cool with him about how he wasn’t giving her enough for the past year. And he ended things.
That’s a shitty story, and while I didn’t particularly like him, I can see where he was coming from a bit. How can you be with someone who is so afraid to ask you for what they want? They’re so willing to except mediocrity until one day they can’t, just because they couldn’t ask a damn question.
Hey, can we spend more time together?
It’s baffling that we spend so much time putting other people ahead of ourselves to look like some type of saints, but guess what…..NO ONE IS A SAINT.
Relating back to my life, I very recently interviewed for a new position in my company. I received the offer today, WITH THE EXACT SALARY THAT I HAD WANTED TO GET. Call me crazy, but suddenly I wanted more. So instead of saying, yes that sounds wonderful, I asked for 5% more.
Why purposely take less if you can ask for more? Someone else in the office said I would look greedy….I don’t give a shit. All I did was ask a fucking a question. A question! Since when did asking a question have to make us needy, annoying, greedy, rude, and selfish.
It doesn’t. We’re allowed to be fucking people and we’re allowed to be fucking excited about our lives.
Today was one of those days when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe I made the mistake of checking my work email shortly after I got up. That was probably it.
Things didn’t really improve as the day went on either. I felt discouraged, grumpy, and annoyed. It’s that feeling that washes over you when someone tells you you don’t deserve something. Where you go “who on earth have you the privilege to plan my life”. That feeling.
Even the people I typically turn to on these kind of days were negative. Or normal, the negative part was probably in my head.
Now that all of the pretty details are out of the way I can get to the fun stuff.
I found hope. I found hope in something so small and insignificant, but it was there and it was mine. For a few hours I felt like maybe things weren’t so bad, and that maybe one day I’ll actually love a living thing more than my cat (ok she’s perfect, almost as much as her).
You may think it’s gone, but when you truly need it, you’ll find it searching for you.
I’ve apparently been too busy working 12-14 hours a day.
Some days I just want to pack up all my stuff and move to the west coast. Somewhere warm like San Diego.
But today isn’t that day.
Do you ever wonder how many minutes a day you spend worrying? I’m pretty certain I spend 80% of my waking hours worrying.
Worrying about my future, worrying about what my coworkers think of me, worrying I’m going to get a project done on time, worrying about if my body will process the crap I ate for lunch.
I have anxiety. I have been treated for three years now but very people know, including my family. After months of worrying instead of sleeping, I quietly went to the doctor. And god it felt good to sleep again.
But days like today, I just want to be as good as everyone else. I just want to stop worrying.
For the past few years, I’ve volunteered to have students from my Alma mater interview me to ask me questions about what life is like post-graduation. Almost always the same question comes up.
“What’s it like to be a young woman in the business world?”
Usually I tell them my success story. It’s great, I’ve held four positions in the past four years, have made a significant increase in salary, I feel challenged and fulfilled by job, etc. And I’m not lying when I say those things.
But other times, it really fucking sucks.
It sucks to have a partner in your position who thinks he’s superior to you, as well as having the majority of the people in the building think they’re more knowledgable than you because they’re older.
It sucks to have the creepy man upstairs stare you down like a piece of meat and have all the men yell at the morning meeting that it looks like you’re going to a club the day you wear your brand new leather pencil skirt (it’s a great skirt though).
It sucks to have people that you are responsible for financially call you “princess” and to be asked if you’ll get to “step up into” your partner’s position, despite you and him being at the same level all this time.
It sucks having every piece of work you do scrutinized, but when you get upset at a failure you’re told that you care too much and are too emotionally involved.
And after a long hard work of putting all of your effort into a project, and dealing with all the bullshit, you’re just tired. That’s what it’s like to be a young, female in business. It’s exhausting and deflating, and hard work.
I certainly hope that’s all jobs.