Breaking the cycle

I wrote a post not so long about the people we meet, the people who give us hope.  The people that we meet them and instantly we feel like every day is filled with something better.

But then there are those those people who take away all of our hope.  The people that say one word, and instantly our hearts are on the ground, and everything within us deflates.

These people become such important fixtures in our lives.  They stick around for as long as we allow them, we obsess over their every action and every word they speak to us.  We want so badly for them to be the people that give us hope, but each time, they let us down.

We fixate on these people so much that in our minds, they become these grandiose characters. We feel like they are part of our lives, but when you sit down and dissect all the little things that make you who you are, they are just people who wandered into the picture. Their thoughts of us are just thoughts, they are not a part of us.

How do we get rid of them?  People that we want so badly to fill our hearts with something beautiful, with everything that makes us feel content.

They are not the people that we need.  Say it out loud.  It hurts.  It hurts to say that this enigma cannot be part of my life anymore.  But that is what it is.

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It’s not always rainbows and butterflies

I have accomplished so many things in the past year.  Truly huge things.  I am grateful, I’m humbled, and I am working to maintain these accomplishments.

But it just gets lonely. 

It’s never been a secret I don’t have the type of family you can just call up and tell about your day. I spend a lot of time wishing I had someone to share my happiness with.  

Until then I’ll just keep working.

This deserves to be untitled.

I have many amazing, beautiful things happening in my life right now.  I’ve been dying to post about them but found myself in a whirlwind lately.

My whirlwind stopped today, but it was stopped by something far different than I expected, and so today I can’t talk about those amazing, beautiful things, but rather something else as beautiful, but heartbreaking.

During my before-bed scrolling of Facebook, I came across a gofundme page for someone I used to work with.  I immediately worried he had become sick.  To my surprise, I clicked on the link to find that he had killed himself three days ago.

I will not pretend for a second I was close with him or knew his family, because I wasn’t.  I’d say hello and make small talk and eventually we grew to a point where we’d have normal conversations.  In those small moments though, there was one thing about him that was incredibly clear.  He had a beautiful, uplifting spirit.  He always had a smile on his face, and had such a kind demeanor.  It truly seemed like he just wanted the world to be happy.

I cannot say that I’m grieving, because I am not.  I can only pray for his family and friends, and ponder the same question as many others.  How do we not see these things coming?  How can we continuously be shocked by the loss of someone we wanted nothing more for then for them to be happy.

How on earth can we still have this negative stigma with mental illness that makes a person feel like they have no options left.  That makes someone feel like they cannot handle one single more day on this earth.  We sit here and repeat these phrases over and over again, yet we still fail to give love as freely as it’s needed.

I have been in many dark places over the years, and I can say with certainty that the only way I was able to come out was because of acceptance.  Acceptance of help, acceptance of others, acceptance that this didn’t have to be my life.  But none of those things I could have done on my own. I have been blessed to have an amazing support system.

I cannot tell enough people how grateful I am for them today and how much I love them.  You should too.

Am I a Marnie?

One day ago, I was a completely different person.

If you have never felt like that, I applaud you and your mental health.

The world just crashes down around you, and the weight of it all holds you in bed watching Girls non stop with your cat, and hoping that one day someone as attractive as Adam Driver will care about you because no one else in the world does.

That was my Friday and Saturday.

Am I depressed or just self-involved is really the question?  I thought I was on medicine to help with the first.

After a nap (that shortly followed 9 hours of sleep) I got out of bed, went to brunch, and like a slap in the face I realized that the ridiculous, crazy, beautiful people I surround myself with are my life.  No, I have 0 intimacy with anyone and my family is MIA half of the time, but I have wonderful people in my life that will go out of their way to make me happy.  And that makes me happy.

Guess not everyone’s happiness looks the same and I can’t compare what mine looks like.

Pass the Xanax

Do you ever wonder how many minutes a day you spend worrying?  I’m pretty certain I spend 80% of my waking hours worrying.

Worrying about my future, worrying about what my coworkers think of me, worrying I’m going to get a project done on time, worrying about if my body will process the crap I ate for lunch.
I have anxiety.  I have been treated for three years now but very people know, including my family.  After months of worrying instead of sleeping, I quietly went to the doctor.  And god it felt good to sleep again.

But days like today, I just want to be as good as everyone else.  I just want to stop worrying.

I want ice cream

Everyone is always telling me, “just slow down, be patient, good things will come”.  And no, this is not in a line waiting for ice cream.

Do you know what it’s like to tell a perfectionist with anxiety issues to be patient?  If you answered no, good, I’m not going to tell you what happens because it’s not pretty.

What I will tell you, is that my mind starts going in a vicious circle.  I give reasons why I don’t want to wait, “I’ve waiting long enough”, “all I have is my cat and my job”, “I work hard and I deserve it”, etc. Then of course my mind comes to the conclusion that I’m clearly not working hard enough, or I would have better results.  So now I just have to work 10x harder, try to focus on being happy, and make all the good things happen.

Yes, I’m aware of my irrational thought process.  I said I like margaritas and live in the district, never said I wasn’t crazy.

So now I’m going to let you in on a secret that I mentioned in my last post…I DON’T THINK I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

That’s the problem.  And that’s why I get so angry.  It’s like my brain starts a boxing match saying, yes I do deserve to be happy but wait, clearly you don’t because you aren’t.  But I’m the one making myself feel small!  That is the problem.

So here I am, trying to do things for myself.  To make myself at peace.  To be happy with who I’ve become.  In other words, if I don’t write at least three blog posts this week, someone send me nasty hate messages.

 

 

You make me feel like honey and trombones

If you don’t get the title, we can’t be friends.

I think I’m finally growing up.  Maybe.

I still make terrible decisions, but last night I finally stopped making the same one I’ve made over and over again.

I’ve always felt like we live in a time and area where it’s not “cool” to want to be with someone. You date, kind of, you meet their friends, kind of, and then it ends.  It’s casual, it’s easy, and there’s no commitment.  I don’t mind commitment.   I’ve had successful relationships for the most part, but I’ve fallen into this pattern too, and am guilty of all the things I hate.  And it always happens with the SAME person.

So there I was at Provision last night, feeling old as hell to begin with because it was packed and loud and I didn’t want to deal with packed and loud and girls in short dresses.  But anyway, there I was, and there he was.  He was drunk and obnoxious, which apparently I’ve tolerated for years now and never realized it.  Before I think I would have taken that as a cue that I just needed to drink more to deal with it, but this time I felt different.  I just wanted it to be over with.  I don’t want any more 12 am “hi” texts.  So I finally did what a normal rational person would do, I told him to go home.

I know it all sounds so insignificant, but it’s so big!  I’ve been trying to make so many positive changes in my life recently (including this blog!) and it’s just another step in the right direction.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of not having what I want and settling for what is in front of me.

I want to feel like honey and trombones.

I’ve felt that way before! And maybe it wasn’t over anything real, but it felt real at the time and I want to feel like that all the time.  I deserve to be happy.  Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, and I think everyone should remind themselves every now and then.  Actually say it to yourself right now, I deserve to be happy.  It makes you feel a little bit better.

I still feel like I don’t deserve it sometimes, especially after things I’ve done and said, but I just keep reminding myself.  And last night was a great reminder to myself.

I want to feel like honey and trombones.