2017 Part 2

I’ve always been one of those annoying New Year’s resolution skeptics who says “why put it off until the first of the year if you can start today”.

Yes, I’m sorry, I know how every time someone says that to you, you have to fight back the urge to shake your finger in their face and tell them to buzz off.

As my apology, I’ve made a few “resolutions” this year.

  1. Blog more. As referred to in “A Blog a Day Keeps the Doctor Away” if you want more of an explanation.
  2. Drink more water.  This is literally my goal every year.  At least once a year I feel as if my entire body is going to shrivel up and I’ll just become a giant prune. So, water.
  3. Work LESS. I almost wrote “Work Smarter”, but no, I actually just want to do less work. My work is my life. LITERALLY MY LIFE, HOW SAD IS THAT.  I need more tacos, sand, mountains, and off brand vodka in my life.
  4. Snuggle my cat more. If that is even possible.

Simple, but attainable.

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It’s not always rainbows and butterflies

I have accomplished so many things in the past year.  Truly huge things.  I am grateful, I’m humbled, and I am working to maintain these accomplishments.

But it just gets lonely. 

It’s never been a secret I don’t have the type of family you can just call up and tell about your day. I spend a lot of time wishing I had someone to share my happiness with.  

Until then I’ll just keep working.

This deserves to be untitled.

I have many amazing, beautiful things happening in my life right now.  I’ve been dying to post about them but found myself in a whirlwind lately.

My whirlwind stopped today, but it was stopped by something far different than I expected, and so today I can’t talk about those amazing, beautiful things, but rather something else as beautiful, but heartbreaking.

During my before-bed scrolling of Facebook, I came across a gofundme page for someone I used to work with.  I immediately worried he had become sick.  To my surprise, I clicked on the link to find that he had killed himself three days ago.

I will not pretend for a second I was close with him or knew his family, because I wasn’t.  I’d say hello and make small talk and eventually we grew to a point where we’d have normal conversations.  In those small moments though, there was one thing about him that was incredibly clear.  He had a beautiful, uplifting spirit.  He always had a smile on his face, and had such a kind demeanor.  It truly seemed like he just wanted the world to be happy.

I cannot say that I’m grieving, because I am not.  I can only pray for his family and friends, and ponder the same question as many others.  How do we not see these things coming?  How can we continuously be shocked by the loss of someone we wanted nothing more for then for them to be happy.

How on earth can we still have this negative stigma with mental illness that makes a person feel like they have no options left.  That makes someone feel like they cannot handle one single more day on this earth.  We sit here and repeat these phrases over and over again, yet we still fail to give love as freely as it’s needed.

I have been in many dark places over the years, and I can say with certainty that the only way I was able to come out was because of acceptance.  Acceptance of help, acceptance of others, acceptance that this didn’t have to be my life.  But none of those things I could have done on my own. I have been blessed to have an amazing support system.

I cannot tell enough people how grateful I am for them today and how much I love them.  You should too.

Am I a Marnie?

One day ago, I was a completely different person.

If you have never felt like that, I applaud you and your mental health.

The world just crashes down around you, and the weight of it all holds you in bed watching Girls non stop with your cat, and hoping that one day someone as attractive as Adam Driver will care about you because no one else in the world does.

That was my Friday and Saturday.

Am I depressed or just self-involved is really the question?  I thought I was on medicine to help with the first.

After a nap (that shortly followed 9 hours of sleep) I got out of bed, went to brunch, and like a slap in the face I realized that the ridiculous, crazy, beautiful people I surround myself with are my life.  No, I have 0 intimacy with anyone and my family is MIA half of the time, but I have wonderful people in my life that will go out of their way to make me happy.  And that makes me happy.

Guess not everyone’s happiness looks the same and I can’t compare what mine looks like.

I’ll take you 

Today was one of those days when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Or maybe I made the mistake of checking my work email shortly after I got up.  That was probably it.

Things didn’t really improve as the day went on either.  I felt discouraged, grumpy, and annoyed.  It’s that feeling that washes over you when someone tells you you don’t deserve something.  Where you go “who on earth have you the privilege to plan my life”.  That feeling.

Even the people I typically turn to on these kind of days were negative.  Or normal, the negative part was probably in my head. 

Now that all of the pretty details are out of the way I can get to the fun stuff.  

I found hope.  I found hope in something so small and insignificant, but it was there and it was mine.  For a few hours I felt like maybe things weren’t so bad, and that maybe one day I’ll actually love a living thing more than my cat (ok she’s perfect, almost as much as her).  

You may think it’s gone, but when you truly need it, you’ll find it searching for you.