Every day is so exhausting.
“So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.”
This used to be one of my favorite quotes.
And then I actually failed.
Sure you can fail a class, maybe fail at a friendship, but then you have your first big, real failure.
Suddenly the ground is out from under you, and you’re sitting there on your ass looking at the world swirling around above you thinking “why the hell am I even here”.
That has been the past month. Trying to find some sort of meaning in my actions, why I did what I did, and how I can somehow make it better. But the true fact is – I’m the one that messed up, and for once, I can’t just shove it under the rug. I can’t give someone a smile and hope that they forget all of my mishaps.
I’m still around, but I’ll let you know when I can start smiling again.
I’ve always been one of those annoying New Year’s resolution skeptics who says “why put it off until the first of the year if you can start today”.
Yes, I’m sorry, I know how every time someone says that to you, you have to fight back the urge to shake your finger in their face and tell them to buzz off.
As my apology, I’ve made a few “resolutions” this year.
- Blog more. As referred to in “A Blog a Day Keeps the Doctor Away” if you want more of an explanation.
- Drink more water. This is literally my goal every year. At least once a year I feel as if my entire body is going to shrivel up and I’ll just become a giant prune. So, water.
- Work LESS. I almost wrote “Work Smarter”, but no, I actually just want to do less work. My work is my life. LITERALLY MY LIFE, HOW SAD IS THAT. I need more tacos, sand, mountains, and off brand vodka in my life.
- Snuggle my cat more. If that is even possible.
Simple, but attainable.
It’s relieving to start a year feeling like you can start to improve yourself, rather than pick up the pieces.
To those out there still trying to pick up the pieces: don’t waste your new year trying to put things back together. Sometimes it’s just better to live in the messy chaos.
An ex boyfriend or three have told me I’m unemotional. Their exact words may have been “heartless bitch”, but details…..
I am unemotional to people. I do not understand how to properly show emotion. I smile at the wrong time, I cry only at sad Christmas commercials, and have to have the words “I love you” prodded out of me even if I mean it. Don’t even get me started on hugs.
I’m not sure there is a single person on earth that knows how I truly feel about them, or even if I feel period!
I know, I’m working on it.
Until then there is this. I’ve always been better at filling pages with my emotions. I have so many emotions, that many of you know I have struggled to come to terms with. I just want to make someone else feel. Feel like it’s okay to have emotions, and it’s okay to not be okay every single fucking day of your life. But most of all it’s okay to let people see you at your weakest points.
Someday I hope I share these things with the people in my life, but until then there’s you.
This Christmas has been a strange one. For many reasons, our family has seemed disjointed. Whether this is good or bad, I’ve used this time to keep my focus away from some of the negativity and focus on myself and reflecting on the past year.
2016 has been busy. If you cannot tell by the number of blog posts I’ve written, I have been working like a crazy person. Maybe with no results and maybe with some. It’s been tough, and I’ve realize that I’m not happy with what I’ve done with this past year.
I feel very average. I’ve made 0 progress on my fitness goals, 0 progress on my writing goals, 0 progress on social media goals (it pains me to say that even as a millennial). I’ve made some progress in my job, but for every step of progress there is a French man in the background tearing it down.
Is average bad? No, it’s not. But at what point do you settle for average? At what point do you silence that little piece of your brain taunting you, that you want to have the whole world in front of you, but you’re okay with what is on the plate directly in front of you?
I’m not ready for that. I am eternally grateful for the life I’ve been given, but does that mean settling?
I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. I will start today though with my first:
A blog a day keeps the doctor away.
I always want to write more. About DC, about life, about battling with anxiety and depression, about always being a small fish in a big pond, and of course about Bailey Bear.
So while my blog may be painstakingly average and talk about work and attempting to try every amazing pasta dish in the DC, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh area, at least it will be something to be accomplished in 2017.