Everyone is always telling me, “just slow down, be patient, good things will come”. And no, this is not in a line waiting for ice cream.
Do you know what it’s like to tell a perfectionist with anxiety issues to be patient? If you answered no, good, I’m not going to tell you what happens because it’s not pretty.
What I will tell you, is that my mind starts going in a vicious circle. I give reasons why I don’t want to wait, “I’ve waiting long enough”, “all I have is my cat and my job”, “I work hard and I deserve it”, etc. Then of course my mind comes to the conclusion that I’m clearly not working hard enough, or I would have better results. So now I just have to work 10x harder, try to focus on being happy, and make all the good things happen.
Yes, I’m aware of my irrational thought process. I said I like margaritas and live in the district, never said I wasn’t crazy.
So now I’m going to let you in on a secret that I mentioned in my last post…I DON’T THINK I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
That’s the problem. And that’s why I get so angry. It’s like my brain starts a boxing match saying, yes I do deserve to be happy but wait, clearly you don’t because you aren’t. But I’m the one making myself feel small! That is the problem.
So here I am, trying to do things for myself. To make myself at peace. To be happy with who I’ve become. In other words, if I don’t write at least three blog posts this week, someone send me nasty hate messages.