I want ice cream

Everyone is always telling me, “just slow down, be patient, good things will come”.  And no, this is not in a line waiting for ice cream.

Do you know what it’s like to tell a perfectionist with anxiety issues to be patient?  If you answered no, good, I’m not going to tell you what happens because it’s not pretty.

What I will tell you, is that my mind starts going in a vicious circle.  I give reasons why I don’t want to wait, “I’ve waiting long enough”, “all I have is my cat and my job”, “I work hard and I deserve it”, etc. Then of course my mind comes to the conclusion that I’m clearly not working hard enough, or I would have better results.  So now I just have to work 10x harder, try to focus on being happy, and make all the good things happen.

Yes, I’m aware of my irrational thought process.  I said I like margaritas and live in the district, never said I wasn’t crazy.

So now I’m going to let you in on a secret that I mentioned in my last post…I DON’T THINK I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

That’s the problem.  And that’s why I get so angry.  It’s like my brain starts a boxing match saying, yes I do deserve to be happy but wait, clearly you don’t because you aren’t.  But I’m the one making myself feel small!  That is the problem.

So here I am, trying to do things for myself.  To make myself at peace.  To be happy with who I’ve become.  In other words, if I don’t write at least three blog posts this week, someone send me nasty hate messages.



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